A blonde goes into the dry cleaners and gives a blouse in to get cleaned
As she is leaving the man says ' Come again!'
She turns round and says ' No, I think its mustard this time!'

Eskimo on holiday in Wales.
Car breaks down.
Welshman looks under bonnet and says 'you've blown a Seal'
Eskimo says ' So what! you fuck sheep!'

Mick met Paddy in the street and said "Paddy will you draw the curtains before your shagging your wife in future ?"
'Bejaysus Why ?' says Paddy
"Because the whole street was laughing at you when they saw you shagging your wife yesterday!"
Paddy said ' Stupid bastards! the laughs on them.....I wasnt home yesterday!'

----
Husband ' Lets try the missionary position'
Wife: 'Ok, what do we do ?'
Husband: ' I stay here and you fuck off to Africa!'

----

A visitor to a mental institution asked the Director how he decided which patients he kept in.
The Director said' We fill up a bath, then offer the patient a teaspoon,teacup or bucket and ask them to empty the bath'
The visitor said' Oh I see, a normal person would use the bucket because its the biggest'
The Director said ' No, a normal person would pull the fucking plug out! Would you like a bed near the window ?'

With Gas the Way it is this isn't far from the truth !

A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre.
After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings, and made it safely to his van.

However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas.

When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied, 'Monsieur, that is the reason I stole the paintings.'

I had no Monet

to buy Degas

to make the Van Gogh.'

See if you have De Gaulle to send this on to someone else.

I sent it to you because I figured I had nothing Toulouse .

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt?

We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt!'

Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt.Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. they had one son, Jack.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.
Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a school dropout.

After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name.
She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the
other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.

The wedding announcement in the newspaper
announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd and Horse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct him or her !

Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt

Taken from the internet and polished up a bit with
the correct English translation!
Raw2007

The Government have just announced that there will be a new law in the UK to safeguard taste and decorum in keeping with other nationalities and religions.
From now on there will be severe punishment to those parents who display extreme bad taste in naming their offspring with names like Jason,Dazz, Shazza and Ewok! 40 lashes to those who go even blatantly further by names like Tarquin, Tommo and Jacko!

A local Sudanese inhabitant has gone into hiding after naming their child Gordon! " We dont want to be lashed 40 times!" They screamed. "We didnt know! We were not warned and we named our child after your Fat master!" Cried Fatima. "We didnt mean any harm!Please help us!My Child even has a Gopher toy and his name is also Gordon!"

A Sudanese Government spokesman has condemned the decision of the British Governments stance on their insistance on carrying out the 40 lashes punishment, citing that it is barbaric and from the dark ages. 'WE dont treat our animals as bad as this! He commented, before taking his rifle and shooting some kids that were loitering around the outside of his tent.

Girl says to Paddy " Would you like a Blow Job ?"
Paddy says" I dont know. ..Would it affect my dole money ?"

Blonde wife painting the house, husband walks in and cant believe she is doing so well but has to ask why she is wearing a leather Jacket AND a Parka! She says
"Hello! Read the bloody tin! It says for best results put on 2 coats!"

Clubbers in Yorkshire have taken to using dental syringes to inject ecstasy directly into their mouths...this dangerous paractice is known as
"E...by gum"!!

'Tis the night of March the 31st and as little blind Timmy gets tucked up in bed his Mum says" If you really pray hard tonight, tomorrow you will be able to see"
So little Timmy prays like he hasnt ever before and as morning comes, he is still blind. " Mummy ! Mummy! I prayed so hard last night and I am still blind!"
His Mummy gently pats him on the head " I know son" she said ...." April fool!"

Bloke picks up a chinese girl at a disco and takes her home. She says " Me so horny, me do anything4U!"
He says"How about a 69?"
"U fuck off! Me no cook this time of night!"

Woman goes on Antique Roadshow and slaps a used Tampon on the table
"There u go, u clever twat......tell me what period that came from!"

Two honeymooning Ducks are staying in a hotel. As they are about to make love, the male Duck says "We dont have any condoms. I'll call room service"
The receptionist says " ok,Shall I put them on your bill sir ?"
" You twat!" he says " I will suffocate!"

A woman was in a coma for several months. One day the nurse noticed a slight response when washing her fanny. They rushed to her husband and suggested that a little oral sex might bring her round, to which he agreed.
A few minutes later her monitor flatlined, no pulse or heart rate...The nurses said "What happened!"
The husband replied"....I think she choked!"

Scientists have discovered the average cock weighs 8 ounces but cant decide what the average cunt weighs. Pop on the scales and ring me back!

Today is International Disadvantaged Peoples Day! Please send a message to a retarded friend, just as I have. I dont care if you lick windows, interfere with animals or occasionally shit yourself.........you hang in there sunshine. Your fucking special!

Whats the difference between your wife and your job ?
After 10 years the job still sucks!

A couple have gone to bed. The woman feels her husband touching her body in a pleasurable way.He runs his hand across her shoulders, back, across her breasts. Moves down her sides, over her stomach, then below her waist. By now she is aroused and she positions herself a little better, when he stops and turns over. " Why have you stopped love?" she asks.....He replies "I've found the remote"

A Charity Pantomime in aid of Paranoid Schizophrenics and homosexuals descended into chaos yesterday when someone shouted " He's behind you!!"

Tonight Matthew I am going to be......
by RobertRaw @ 2008-03-06 - 19:11:09
Simon goes on 'Stars In Their Eyes'. Matthew Kelly notes that he is in a wheelchair. He says "What happened?"
Simon replies "I was in a car crash with my uncle, he died and I had my legs amputated. But they saved my uncles legs and grafted them onto me, and in 6 months I shall be able to walk again !"
'Thats amazing!' says Matthew ' and who are you going to be ?'
Simon says " Tonight Matthew I am going to be Simon and Halfuncle!"

A teacher asks her class to make up a sentence with the word 'contagious' in it. Bob says ' I got mumps and its contagious'
Katie says 'My gran had a bug and its contagious'
Little Sean jumps up and says ' Our neighbor is painting is house with a 2" brush and my dad says it will take the cuntagious!'

*
Bloke goes to the doctor because he has been raped by an Elephant, Doctor says' Thats strange, your arse is 11" wide and an elephants dick is only 3" wide!'
Bloke says ' I know Doc..the bastard fingered me first!'

*

A man and his wife are having a stroll in the zoo..Gorilla gets a hard on as he sees the wife. Husband says 'Lift your skirt and tease him' The Ape goes mental ' Now get your breasts out!' Ape goes berserk! Husband opens the cage and throws his wife in
'Now....tell him you got a bloody headache!'

*
An Austrian Journalist asked a neighbor how long he had known Josef Fritzles daughter Alice....... 'Alice ?' He replied ' who the fuck is Alice ? You mean for 24 years....I've been living next door to Alice!'

*
A recent report said that 60% of 14 year old girls in Liverpool regularly binge drink. Thats absolutley disgusting! Whos looking after their kids!

*

A man stands in front of the mirror and tells his wife that whenever he sees himself in the mirror he gets a hard on when he looks at himself!
Wife replies' Thats because you look like a C*nt!'

*
A jelly baby goes to the Doc with liquorice on his cock. Doc asks ' Oh dear Mr Jelly, What have you been upto?'
Jelly Baby replies ' Fucking Allsorts!'

*
2 Whales overturn a ship using only their blowholes
'Shall we eat the crew?' Asks Mr Whale
'Absolutely not!'Said Mrs Whale ' I do blow jobs but I dont swallow seamen!'

*
Wife practising Yoga lays naked on bed with legs round her neck. Hubby walks in and says' Bloody hell woman!, brush your hair and put your teeth in! You look like your mother!'

*
Doc says to Paddy ' Your wife had triplets!'
Paddy says' I'm not surprised...I've got a cock like a chimney!'
Doc says' well ....you better get it swept then! the kids are black!'