Raw Humour

> > CHEWING GUM!
> >
> >
> > An Australian man was having a coffee and
> > croissants with butter and jam in a cafe
> > when an American tourist, chewing gum,
> > sat down next to him.
> >
> >
> > The Australian politely ignored the American,
> > who, nevertheless started up a conversation.
> >
> >
> > The American snapped his gum and said,
> > 'You Australian folk eat the whole bread?'
> >
> >
> > The Australian frowned, annoyed with being
> > bothered during his breakfast, and replied,
> > 'of course.'
> >
> >
> > The American blew a huge bubble. 'We don't.
> > In the States, we only eat what's inside.
> > The crusts we collect in a container,
> > recycle them, transform them into
> > croissants and sell them to Australia .'
> >
> >
> > The American had a smirk on his face.
> > The Australian listened in silence.
> >
> >
> > The American persisted, 'D'ya eat jam with
> > your bread?' Sighing, the Australian
> > replied, 'of course.'
> >
> >
> > Cracking his gum between his teeth, the
> > American said, 'we don't. In the States,
> > we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we
> > put all the peels, seeds and the leftovers
> > in containers, recycle them, transform them
> > into jam and sell it to Australia ..
> >
> > The Australian then asked, 'Do you have sex
> > in the States?' The American smiled and said
> > 'Why of course we do.' The Australian leaned
> > closer to him and asked, 'And what do you do
> > with the condoms once you've used them?'
> >
> > 'We throw them away, of course!'
> >
> > Now it was the Australians turn to smile.
> >
> > 'We don't. In Australia , we put them in a
> > container, recycle them, melt them down
> > into chewing gum and sell them to the
> > United States .
> > Why do you think it's called Wrigley's?'?

****

Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf.

Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.

The husband shouted , 'I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us.'

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door.

A warm voice said, 'Come on in.' When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window.

A man reclining on the couch asked, 'Are you the people that broke my window?'

'Uh...yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that,' the husband replied.

'Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll Give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself.'

'Wow, that's great!' the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, 'I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.'

'No problem,' said the genie. 'You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!'

'And now you, young lady, what do you want?' the genie asked. 'I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world,' she said.
'Consider it done,' the genie said. 'And your homes will always be safe from fire,burglary and natural disasters!'

'And now,' the couple asked in unison, 'what's your wish, genie?'

' Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to sleep with your wife.'

The husband looked at his wife and said, 'honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?'

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, 'You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?'

'You know I love you sweetheart,' said the husband.

'I'd do the same for you!' So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable.
After about three hours of non-stop fun, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, 'How old are you and your husband?'

'Why, we're both 35,' she responded breathlessly.

'Really?! Thirty-five years old and both of you
still believe in genies?'

****

There's a few guys who always get together on Fridays after work for a drink... One Friday, Jeff showed up late, sat down at the bar, and kicked back his entire first beer in one gulp...Then he turned to Bob and said, "Times are getting tough my friend, I mean, just today my wife told me that she's going to cut me back to only two times a week... I can't believe it"...

At which point Bob put his hand on Jeffs shoulder and said reassuringly, "You think you've got it bad, she's cut some guys out all together"

******

A young woman brings home her fiancée to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man. The father invites the fiancée to his study for a drink.

"So what are your plans?" the father asks the young man.

"I am a Torah scholar," he replies.

"A Torah scholar. Hmm." the father says. "Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in as she's accustomed to?"

"I will study," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us."

"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring such as she deserves?" asks the father.

"I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us."

"And children?" asks the father. "How will you support children?"

"Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the fiancée.

The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions, the young idealist insists that God will provide.

Later, the mother asks, "How did it go, honey?"

The father answers, "He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I'm God!!!"

> > A man boarded an aircraft at London Heathrow Airport 's
> > Terminal 5 for New York , and taking his seat as he settled
> > in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane.
> > He realised she was heading straight toward his seat and
> > bingo - she took the seat right beside him.
> >
> > 'Hello', he blurted out, 'Business trip or
> > vacation?'
> >
> > She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, 'Business.
> > I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the
> > United States .'
> >
> > He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had
> > ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a
> > meeting for nymphomaniacs!
> >
> > Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked,
> > 'What's your business role at this convention?'
> >
> > 'Lecturer,' she responded. 'I use my experience
> > to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.'
> >
> > 'Really', he smiled, 'what myths are
> > those?'
> >
> > 'Well,' she explained, 'one popular myth is
> > that African-American men are the most well endowed when, in
> > fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely
> > to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French
> > men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of
> > Greek descent. We have also found that the best potential
> > lovers in all categories are the Irish.'
> >
> > Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed.
> > 'I'm sorry,' she said 'I really
> > shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even
> > know your name!'
> >
> > 'Tonto,' the man said. 'Tonto Papadopoulos, but
> > my friends call me Paddy.

A blonde lady was driving along the highway when a blonde police officer pulled her over for speeding.

Officer: May I see your licence?

Lady: what does it look like?

Officer: its a rectangular thing with a photo of you on it.

The lady looks through her bag and pulls out her compact mirror and hands it to the officer.

The officer opens it up and says 'if you had told me you were a police officer I wouldn't have pulled you over.'

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door.
> The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in
> the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
>
>
> Not a chance,' says the husband, 'it is 3:00 in the morning!'
> He slams the door and returns to bed.
>
> 'Who was that?' asked his wife.
>
> 'Just some drunk guy asking for a push,' he answers.
>
> 'Did you help him?' she asks.
>
> 'No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out
> there!'
>
> 'Well, you have a short memory,' says his wife. 'Can't you remember about
> three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think
> you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!'
>
> The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding
> rain.
>
> He calls out into the dark, 'Hello, are you still there?'
>
> 'Yes,' comes back the answer.
>
> 'Do you still need a push?' calls out the husband.
>
>
> 'Yes, please!' comes the reply from the dark.
>
>
> 'Where are you?' asks the husband.
>
>
> 'Over here on the swing,' replied the drunk.

My neighbour found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the veterinarian. He found the problem was hair in its ears and cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine.

The vet told the lady if she wanted to keep this from reoccurring she should go to the store and get some 'Nair' hair remover and rub it in it's ears once a month.

The lady went to the drug store and got some 'Nair' hair remover. At the register, the druggist told her, 'If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days.'

The lady said, 'I'm not using it under my arms.'

The druggist said 'If you're using it on your legs, don't shave for a couple of days.'

The lady said, 'I'm not using it on my legs either; and if you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer.'

The druggist said, 'Stay off your bicycle for a week'

Two Antenna's met on a roof,
fell in love and got married
The ceremony was crap
but the reception was excellent!

******

An invisible man married an invisible woman,
Their kids were nothing to look at either!

******

After speaking to the passengers, Pilot forgets to turn the intercom off.
He says to the co-pilot "I am gonna have a shit then shag the arse of that new Air Hostess"
The Air Hostess runs up the aisle to warn the pilot that the intercoms still on but trips over
"No need to rush love" says an old lady "Hes having a shit first"

******

Just been to the Gym and there's a new machine been installed!
I only used it for an hour as I was feeling sick ! Its good though - It does everything! Kit Kats, mars bars,Snickers, crisps, nuts etc !!

******

Mr and Mrs Blobby are in bed
Mrs Blobby says ' bib blob bobble blub bibbly bob bubbly blib'
Mr Blobby says 'Just bloody swallow it!!'

******

A man charges into a bank wearing a mask and wielding a handgun
'This is a raid, everyone on the floor!' Then raids all the cash
A brave customer yanks off his mask, so the robber shoots him
'Anyone else see my face!!!??'
There was a silence for a few seconds before a man said
'think my missus caught a glimpse'

*******

Confucius say
'man with tool in woman's mouth
not necessarily dentist!'

*******

Confucius say
Woman who goes to mans flat for a snack
get titbit

*******

Alfie Patten, the 13 year old Dad has already joined
Fathers for Justice,
In an interview he said it makes sense really as he already has a spider man outfit.

*******

Undertaker to bereaved husband
'When did you notice your wife was dead?'
'Well' he replies' The sex was the same but the dishes were piling up!'

*****

Bloke has a sex change and mate asks if it hurt when they chopped his balls and cock off
'No' he replied ' but it did when they shrunk my brain and widened me gob!'

*****

> > GORDON Brown
> >
> > Gordon Brown (or Gordon the Useless One as he is known by some of his
> > colleagues) was looking for a lady of the night.
> >
> > He found three such girls in a local pub, a blonde, a brunette and a
> > redhead.
> > To the blonde he said, 'I am the Prime Minister of England. Now how much
> > would it cost me to spend some time with you?'
> >
> > She replied, £200..'
> >
> > To the brunette he asked the same question.
> >
> > Her reply was £100.
> >
> > He then asked the redhead
> >
> > Her reply was, 'Mr. Prime Minister, if you can get my skirt up as high as
> > my taxes, my pants as low as my wages, get that thing of yours as hard as
> > the times we are living in, and keep it rising like the price of petrol,
> > keep me warmer than it is in my flat and screw me the way you have
> > Pensioners, then it isn't going to cost you a bloody penny!'

A chemist owner walks into his shop to find a guy leaning againts a wall. He asks his assistant , whats with the guy over there by the wall? the assistant replies he came into get something for his cough and i couldn't find any cough syrup so i gave him an entire bottle of laxitive.................U fucking idiot replied the owner u cant treat a cough with a bottle of laxitive!..The assistant replied ..course u can, fuckin look at him, he is shit scared to cough now !!!!!

-------

Little girl finds her dog dead with its legs in the air and asks her dad why its like that,,,, Dad say's its dead and is like that so Jesus can pick it up and take it to heaven..Next day she say's dad, mum nearly died today, she was on her back with her legs in the air shouting oh Jesus, I'm coming, I'm coming and if the milkman hadn't been holding her down we'd have lost her !!!!

....................

Paddys wedding night,

his new bride was lying spread eagled on the bed, she said, you know what i want paddy,

paddy replies all the f**king bed by the looks of it,

--------------

a bloke in a posh hotel, was bursting for the loo finds the gents out of order, so rushed into the ladies, he sits down and notices 4 buttons, WW, WA, PP, AND ATR,

he presses WW and he is sprayed with warm water

he then presses WA and a blast of warm air dries him,

then pressed PP, powder puffed him, which left him smelling sweet and fresh,

he then presses APR. AND WAKES UP IN HOSPITAL

he asked the nurse what happened, she replied

you pressed APR that is automatic tampon removal, your dicks under you pillow,

............

A woman in Tescos dropped dead at the checkout. I felt really sorry for her. She had just bought a bag for life.

*****

Frank the Flasher was thinking of retiring, but decided to stick it out for another year!

*****

more tomorrow!