Raw Humour

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale ' He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'
The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'
'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.' 'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
'Ten dollars,' the guy says.
'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that shit.'

A small white guy went into an elevator, when he got in he noticed a huge black guy standing next to him.

The big black guy looked down upon the small white guy and said, "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound
right ball, Turner Brown."

The small guy fainted!
The huge black dude picked up the little white guy and brought him to, slapping his face and shaking him.

He asked the small white guy, "What's wrong?"

Our petite friend said, "Excuse me, but what did you say?"

The black giant looked down and repeated, "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, my name is Turner Brown."

The white guy sighed, "Oh, thank God!  I thought you said
'Turn around!!'"

I was testing children in my Dublin Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven.

I asked them,  'If I sold my house and my car, had a big jumble sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?'
 
'NO!' the children answered.

A six year-old boy shouted out  " YUV GOTTA BE FuKN' DEAD.........."

I 've got Gammon Flu!
I had Swine flu until I went to hospital and they Cured it!

*****

An RAF Pilot is flying over Afghanistan when he notices a flying carpet on each side of his jet
Both with a gunner on board
Sensing danger he shot them both down
When he returns to base he is summoned to HQ
where he gets a right rollicking
Apparently
they were allied carpets!

****

Ann Summers has come up with an easy guide to complete sexual joy
It explores the clitoris, The G spot,
and even shows the male where they are
' TWATNAV '
will be in their shops by Christmas!

*****

A man who hasnt had an erection for ages decides to try a method
hes's read about in an old book
It involves placing his finger in a womans vagina
then rubbing it around his nose.
So that night when his wifes asleep
he dips his finger in her fanny, feels how wet and nice it is
then rubs it around his nose
Instant erection !!
He wakes his wife and says  ' Look at this! '
She replies
' You woke me up to tell me you've got a nosebleed ? '

*****

A man shagging his new girlfriend
notices a photo of another man next to her bed
He asks...'Is that your hubby ?'
'NO' she replies
'An old boyfriend ?'
'NO silly! ' she says
'Dad or brother ? '
'NO ! NO! ' she answers
'WELL WHO THE FUCK IS IT !!!!' he shouts
She replied
'ME !     6 months ago! '

*****

A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day.

Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said,

"Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?"

Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend."

Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible.

She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the pic ture i n focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.

The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door,
and there stood Grandma's minister.

The minister said, "Hello, son, is your Grandma home?"

The little boy replied, "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her
boyfriend."

The minister fainted.

At the regular Saturday morning service, the rabbi announced that he was planning to leave for a larger congregation that would pay him more.

There is a hush within the congregation.

No one wants him to leave because he is so popular.

Fred Shapiro, who owns several car dealerships in Newton and Brookline, stands up and proclaims "If the rabbi stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!"

The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.

Saul Cohen, a successful businessman and lawyer, stands and says, "If the rabbi will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary and establish a foundation to guarantee a free college education for his children!" More sighs and loud applause.  
Estelle Rubin, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, "If the rabbi stays, I will give him sex!"

There is total  silence. The rabbi, blushing, asks her: "Mrs. Rubin,
you're a wonderful and holy lady. Whatever possessed you to

say that?"

Estelle's 90-year old husband, Abe, is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies:

"Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, "Fuck him."

He wanted many things in a wife, but above all he wanted one who was a virgin.

Falling madly in love with Summer, he decided to test her.

At a drive-in one night, he leaned over and asked, "Would you like to see my pee-pee?"

As he unzipped his fly, Summer covered her eyes.  "No!  No! Please put it back!"

Thrilled, he deemed Summer worthy of being his bride, and immediately proposed to her.

On their wedding night, he was keenly anticipating the delight of introducing Summer to sex.

When she came to bed, he unzipped his fly and took out his member.

Summer smiled, "Oooooh...what a nice pee-pee."

He stroked her hair.  "My dear, the first thing you must learn is that it really isn't called a pee-pee.  It's called a cock."

"No," Summer said, studying it, "That's a pee-pee.  A cock is long, fat and like Bubba's!!"