Paddy goes to the Zoo to see his friend who works there.
'Paddy, we have a problem, the female Gorilla is on heat. There is no male Gorilla and she will smash this place up if she doesnt have sex. Paddy, will you have sex with the Gorilla for £500 ?'
Paddy says he will have to think about it and goes off to look around the Zoo. At the end of the day he comes back to talk to his friend
'OK ...I will do it, but on 3 conditions.
1. NO Kissing!
2. My family NEVER find out
and the third one.....Give me a few weeks to get the £500 together!'
*****
A man kills a Deer, takes it home and cooks it for dinner. He doesnt tell the children what it is but gives them a clue ' Its what your mum calls me sometimes!' He says smiling.
"Dont eat it!" shouts one of the little girls " its a fucking arsehole!" 
*****
A man buys a new car for his wife
" I dont like it! I want somefin that goes 0 to 200 in 3 seconds!" She complains.
He comes back with a set of bathroom scales " Stand on that you fat freak!" 
