Raw Humour

A blonde cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.

 

As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.

 

She turned to the cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'

 

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy.'

 

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about nakedwomen. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'

 

The two sat sipping in silence.

 

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the blonde cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'

 

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out  I'm a lesbian.'

An Irishman is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptising people in the river.

 

He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher.

 

The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?" The drunk shouts, "Yes, I am."

 

So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water.

 

He pulls him up and asks the drunk, "Brother have you found Jesus?"

 

The drunk replies, "No, I haven't found Jesus."

 

The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer.

 

He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, "Have you found Jesus me brother?"

 

The drunk again answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus."

 

By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again, but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up.

 

The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God have you found Jesus yet?"

 

The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

Actual call centre conversations !!!!!

Customer:     'I've been ringing 0800 2100 for two days and can't get through to enquiries, can you help?'.
Operator:     'Where did you get that number from, sir?'.
Customer:     'It was on the door to the Travel Centre'
Operator:     'Sir, they are our opening hours'.
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Samsung Electronics
Caller:          'Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?'
Operator:     'I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about'.
Caller:          'On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC  wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?'
Operator:      'I think you mean the telephone point on the wall'.
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RAC Motoring Services
Caller:          'Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am travelling in Australia ?'
Operator:      ' Doesn't the product name give you a clue?'
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Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while travelling in France ):
'If I register my car in France , do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?'
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Directory Enquiries
Caller:               'I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff please'.
Operator:          'I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?'
Caller:               'Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off'.
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Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator:        'Woven? Are you sure?'
Caller:             'Yes. That's what it says on the label; Woven in Scotland'.
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On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator:
'I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on'.
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Tech Support:      'I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop'.
Customer:             'OK'.
Tech Support:      'Did you get a pop-up menu?'.
Customer:             'No'.
Tech Support:      'OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?'
Customer:             'No'.
Tech Support:      'OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?'.
Customer:            'Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click''.
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Tech Support:          'OK. In the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?'
Customer:                 'Wow. How can you see my screen from there?'
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Caller:  'I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just realised that I need it. If I turn my system clock back two weeks will I have my file back again?'.
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There's always one. This has got to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for 'Termination without Cause'.
Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. (Now I know why they record these conversations!):

Operator:         'Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?'
Caller:              'Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect.'
Operator:         'What sort of trouble??'
Caller:              'Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.'
Operator:         'Went away?'
Caller:              'They disappeared.'
Operator:         'Hmm So what does your screen look like now?'
Caller:              'Nothing.'
Operator:         'Nothing??'
Caller:              'It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.'
Operator:         'Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??'
Caller:              'How do I tell?'
Operator:         'Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??'
Caller:              'What's a sea-prompt?'
Operator:         'Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?'
Caller:              'There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type.'
Operator:         'Does your monitor have a power indicator??'
Caller:              'What's a monitor?'
Operator:         'It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??'
Caller:               'I don't know.'
Operator:          'Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??'
Caller:              'Yes, I think so.'
Operator:         'Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.
Caller:              'Yes, it is.'
Operator:         'When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??'
Caller:               'No.'
Operator:          'Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.'
Caller:               'Okay, here it is.'
Operator:          'Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer.'
Caller:               'I can't reach.'
Operator:          'Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??'
Caller:               'No.'
Operator:          'Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??'
Caller:               'Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark.'
Operator:          'Dark??'
Caller:               'Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.
' Operator: 'Well, turn on the office light then.'
Caller:               'I can't.'
Operator:          'No? Why not??'
Caller:               'Because there's a power failure.'
Operator:  'A power......... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now.
Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??'
Caller:               'Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.'
Operator:           'Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.'
Caller:                'Really? Is it that bad?'
Operator:            'Yes, I'm afraid it is.'
Caller:                 'Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??'
Operator:            'Tell them you're too ----ing stupid to own a computer!!!!!'

Oh To Be 12 Again...     A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror.  Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday. 'I'd like to be twelve again', she replied, still looking in the mirror. On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her to Alton Towers theme park.   What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Corkscrew, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was.  Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park.  Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a Mc Donald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake. Then it was off to the cinema with popcorn, a huge Cola, and her favourite sweets...........M&M's.    What a fabulous adventure!    Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.  He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being twelve again?'  Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. 'I meant my dress size, you retard!!!!' The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.

Bulletin:

A surgeon went to check on his blonde patient after an operation.

 

She was awake, so he examined her.

 

"You'll be fine," he said.

 

She asked, "How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor?"

 

The surgeon seemed to pause, which alarmed the girl.

 

"What's the matter Doctor?  I will be all right, won't I?"

 

He replied, "Yes, you'll be fine.

 

It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out."

A blonde was driving home on the freeway after work when she was hit by a hailstorm that left her car completely dented all over.

 

She decided to go to a body shop and asked the owner how much he would charge to remove the dents.

 

Seeing that she was a blonde, he winked at his partner, and told her it wouldn't cost anything if she followed his instructions carefully.

 

She drove home and when her also blonde roommate came out of the house... found her friend sitting on the ground at the back of the car blowing really hard in the tail pipe.

 

"What on earth are you doing" she asked.

 

She looks up with big smile and a black ring around her mouth said "The man at the body shop told me that I could save a lot of money on repair work if I blew really hard into the tail pipe. He said that all the dents would pop out"

 

"Duhhh" said her friend, "but first you have to roll up all the windows!!!"

Husbands are husbands

A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the
Head with a frying pan.
'What was that for?' the man asked.

The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on
it that I found in your pants pocket'.

The man then said 'When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name
of the horse I bet on'

The wife apologized and went on with the housework.

Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the
head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.

Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.
Wife replied. 'Your horse phoned'

A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach.

 

He had no arms and no legs.

 

Three women were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.

 

The first woman said 'Have you ever had a hug?'

 

The man said 'No,' so she gave him a hug and walked on.

 

The second woman said, 'Have you ever had a kiss?'

 

The man said, 'No,' so she gave him a kiss and walked on.

 

The third woman didnt want to talk to him  and wanted to get away quickly and said, 'Have you ever been fu*ked?'

 

The fellow's eyes lit up and with a big grin he said, 'No.'

 

She said, 'You will be when the tide comes in.'

A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife. It read:

"Dear wife, You must realize that you are 54 years old and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight. - Your Husband"

When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows:

"Dear Husband. You too are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year-old pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Don't wait up."

A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.

She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."

The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes.

Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!"

The woman said, "That's okay."

For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.

The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to".

The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful Woman and he will have eyes only for me."

So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful Woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.

The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you."

The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."

So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."

Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.

Attention female readers : This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.

Male readers : Please scroll down.

... ... ... The man had a heart attack ten times milder Than his wife

Moral of the story: Women are really dumb but think they're really smart.

Let them Continue to think that way and just enjoy the show

PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen!!!

 ***  Contrary to the story above, I have to disagree.....Women are very smart and much cleverer than men!

 

Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day and they both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven. 

Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day,  so the Angel must decide which of them gets in.  The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular  reason why she should go to Heaven.

Dolly takes off her top and  says,  "Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts   God ever created,  and  I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day,  for  eternity."

The Angel thanks Dolly,  and asks  Her Majesty the same  question. The Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse,

 shakes it up, and gargles. Then, she spits into a toilet and pulls the  lever.

The Angel says, "OK, your Majesty, you may go  in."

Dolly is outraged and asks,  "What was that all about?  I show you two of God's own perfect creations and you turn me down. She spits into a commode and she gets in! Would you explain that to  me?"

"Sorry, Dolly," says the Angel,  "but even in Heaven,

 a royal flush

beats a pair -

  no matter how big they are".

The following is an actual question given on a  University of Washington chemistry mid term.
The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is
compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.
Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell,then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.

       Wordplay

Here are the winners of this year's Washington Post's Mensa Invitational which once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition:

1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

2. Ignoranus: A person who is both stupid and an asshole.
3. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high
8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.
11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
13. Glibido: All talk and no action.
14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words. And the winners are:

1. Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.
3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.
6. Negligent, adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.
7. Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle n. A humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said:
 
'I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?'
 
'Good question', noted the Rabbi. 'We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles.

'Oh', replied the tax inspector, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way:

'What about all these biscuit purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?'

'Ah, yes', replied the Rabbi, realising that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. 'We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of holy biscuits.'

'I see!' replied the inspector, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. 'Well, Rabbi', he went on, 'What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?'

'Here, too, we do not waste', answered the Rabbi 'What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick.'

 
          A man in Scotland  calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve  and says, I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your
         mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.   'Dad, what are you talking about?' the son screams.  We can't stand
        the sight of each other any longer,' the father says. 'We're sick of  each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you   call your sister
        in Leeds and tell her.'   Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. 'Like hell   they're getting divorced,' she shouts, 
       'I'll take care of this,'   She calls  Scotland immediately, and screams at her father, 'You are NOT  getting divorced. Don't do a single thing 
        until I get there. I'm calling   my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?' 
        and hangs up.   The old man hangs  up his phone and turns to his wife. 'Okay,' he says,   they're coming  for Christmas and they're paying 
          their own way.'

Sign over a Gynecologist's Office: "Dr. Jones, at your cervix." ******    In a Podiatrist's office: "Time wounds all heels." ****** On a Septic Tank Truck: Yesterday's Meals on Wheels ****** On a Plumber's  truck: "We repair what your husband fixed." ****** On another Plumber's truck: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber." ****** On a Church's Bill board: "7 days without God makes one weak." ****** At a Tyre Store   "Invite us to your next blowout." ****** On an Electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts." ****** In a Non-smoking Area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action." ****** On a Maternity Room door: "Push. Push. Push." ****** At an Optometrist's Office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place." ****** On a Taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff." ****** On a Fence: "Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!" ****** At a Car Dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment." ****** Outside a Car Exhaust Store: "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming." ****** In a Vets waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!" ****** In a Restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up." ****** In the front yard of a Funeral Home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait." ****** And don't forget the sign at a RADIATOR SHOP: "Best place in town to take a leak." ****** Sign on the back of yet another Septic Tank Truck:   "Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises"

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to start a conversation.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its
socket towards the man.
He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it
back.
"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in
place.
"Let me buy you dinner to make it up to you," she says.
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the
theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, they flirt, she
shares her deepest dreams and he shares his.

After paying for everything all evening, she asks him if he would
like to come to her place for a nightcap ... and stay for breakfast.
They have a wonderful time - several times throughout the night!!
The next morning, she cooks a full english breakfast with all the
trimmings.
The guy is amazed!! Everything has been SO incredible!!!!
"You know," he said, "you are my perfect woman. Are you this nice to
every man you meet?"
"No," she replies.........

"You just happened to catch my eye."

Mary had a little lamb, she tied him to a pylon...
10,000 volts shot up his bum, and turned his wool to nylon.

**

A family are driving behind a dust cart when suddenly a dildo flies out and hits their windscreen.
Embarassed, and to protect her young sons innocence, the woman says it was just an insect........ to which one of the boys replied.., "Im suprised it can fly with a cock like that!"

**

A scouser walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the
counter and says, "Hi... You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really
rather have a job."
The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We
just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur
and bodyguard for his beautiful nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to
drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes.
Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You will have to satisfy her sexual urges.
You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting
salary is £200,000 a year plus a generous pension scheme"
The guy, wide-eyed, says, "You're bullshittin' me!"
The social worker says, "Yeah, well... you started it."

****

A father passing by his son's bedroom, was astonished to see the bed
was nicely made, and everything was picked up.  Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, "Dad." With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands....

Dear Dad:
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to
elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mum and you.  I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I knew
you would not approve of her, because of all her piercing,tattoos, her
tight motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am.
But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant.  Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a caravan in the bush, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone.
We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the other People in
our area, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll
pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy can get better.  She sure deserves it!  Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 now, and I now know how to take care of
myself.  Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your
many grandchildren.
Love,
your son, John.

PS: Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just
wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school
report that's on my desk. I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home.

A Sheriff in a small town in Texas walks out in the street and sees a blond haired cowboy coming toward him with nothing on but his cowboy hat, his gun and his boots.

 

He arrests him for indecent exposure.

 

As he is locking him up, he asks 'Why in the world are you walking around like this?'

 

The cowboy says, 'Well it's like this Sheriff .. 

 

I was in this bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor home with her. 

 

So I did.   

 

We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt... 

 

So I did.  

 

Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants... 

 

So I did. 

 

Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts...

 

So I did. 

 

Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, 'Now go to town cowboy.. '

 

'And here I am.'

A real story by a Man who was standing in a queue in Tesco's.........

I have 2 dogs & I was buying a large bag of Winalot in Tesco and was standing in the queue at the till.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Winalot Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and the way that it works is to load your trouser pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the queue was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned. I told her no, it was because I'd been sitting in the road licking my balls and a car hit me.

I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.

Stupid cow..........why else would I buy dog food??

Dear Friends

Just before the end of the year, I wanted to thank you for the e-mails you have forwarded to me over the year.

I must send a big thank you to whoever sent me the one about rat shit in the glue on envelopes, because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

Also, I now have to wipe the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it all to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time. But that will change once I receive the £15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft are sending me for participating in their special email programs. Or from the senior bank clerk in Nigeria who wants me to split seven million pounds with me for pretending to be a long lost relative of a customer who died intestate.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me.

I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward emails to seven friends and make a wish within five minutes.

I no longer drink Coca-Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy petrol without taking a friend along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.

I no longer go to shopping centres because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number and then I'll get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore and Uzbekistan .

I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my bum.

I can't even pick up the £10.00 I found dropped in the car park because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

If you don't send this email to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhoea will sit on your head at 5:00pm this afternoon and fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump.

I know this because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbour's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician.

By the way....a South American scientist after a lengthy study has discovered that people with low IQ who don't have enough sex, always read their emails while holding the mouse.
(Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late).

Kind regards

Robert

The Colonoscopy

All the organs of thebody were having a meeting,
trying to decide who was the one in charge.

'I should be in charge,' said the brain,
'Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen.'

'I should be incharge,' said the blood ,
'because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away.'

'I should be incharge,' said the stomach ,
'because I process food and give all of you energy.'

'I should be in charge,' said thelegs,
'because I carry the body wherever it needs to go.'

'I should be in charge,' said the eyes,
'Because I allow the body to see where it goes.'

'I should be in charge,' said the rectum,
'Because I'm responsible for waste removal.'

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum
and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.
Within a few days,
the brain had a terrible headache,
the stomach was bloated,
the legs got wobbly,
the eyes got watery,
and the blood was toxic.
They all decided thatthe rectum should be the boss.
The Moral of the story?
The ass hole is usually the one in charge!

If you don't send this to at least three people....who cares?

At the National Art Gallery in Dublin , a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused.

The painting depicted three black men totally naked sitting on a park bench.
Two of the figures had black willies, but the one in the middle had a pink Willie.

The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment.

He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of black men in a predominately white, patriarchal society.

'In fact,' he pointed out , 'some serious critics believe that the pink Willy also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society.'

After the curator left, an Irishman, approached the couple and said, 'Would you like to know what the painting is really about?'

'Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?' asked the couple.

'Because I'm the guy who painted it,' he replied.

'In fact, there are no black men depicted at all!

They're just three Irish coal miners.

The guy in the middle went home for lunch.'

Marriage (Part I)

Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady, and
after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:

"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time
I want -- and I don't expect any hassle from you.
I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless
I tell you that I won't be home for dinner.
I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing
when I want with my old buddies, and don't you
give me a hard time about it.
Those are my rules. Any comments?"

His new bride said:
"No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex
here at seven o'clock every night...whether you're here or not."

** * * * ***

Marriage (Part II)

Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary!

The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone
that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife -- Cold As Ever'!"

"Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone
that reads, 'Here Lies My Husband -- Stiff At Last'!"

** * * * ****

Marriage (Part III)

Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table.

Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no
good in bed either," and storms out of the house.

After some time he realizes he was nasty and
decides to make amends and rings her up.

She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, "What took you so long to answer to the phone?"

She says, "I was in bed."

"In bed this early, doing what?"

"Getting a second opinion!"

** * * *

Marriage (Part IV)

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement.

He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his
wife," Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.

One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it is time to go home and wants to fin d out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home Mother of Six?"

His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion,
shouts right back, "Any time you're ready, Father of Four."

This test only
has one question, but it's a very important one. By
giving an honest answer,
you will discover where you stand morally.

The test features an unlikely, completely fictional
situation in which you
will have to make a decision.

Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet
spontaneous.

Please scroll down slowly and give due consideration to
each line.

THE SITUATION:

You are in England ; York , to be
specific.

There is chaos all around you caused by a hurricane with
severe flooding.

This is a flood of biblical proportions.

You are a photo-journalist working for a major newspaper,
and you're caught
in the middle of this epic disaster. The situation is
nearly hopeless.

You're trying to shoot career-making photos.

There are houses and people swirling around you, some
disappearing into the
water.

Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury.

THE TEST:

Suddenly, you see a man in the water.

He is fighting for his life, trying not to be taken down
with the debris.

You move closer... Somehow, the man looks familiar...

You suddenly realise who it is... It's Gordon Brown!

You notice that the raging waters are about to take him
under forever. You
have two options:

You can save the life of Gordon Brown or you can shoot a
dramatic Pulitzer
Prize winning photo, documenting the death of one of the
country's most
powerful men!

THE QUESTION:

Here's the question, and please give an honest
answer...

Would you select high contrast colour film, or would you
go with the classic
simplicity of black and white?

The Pearly Gates

40 Gypsies arrive at the Pearly Gates in their Transit vans and caravans.
St Peter goes into the gatehouse and phones up God, saying, "I"ve got 40 travellers here. Can I let them in?"

God says "We are over quota on Pikeys. Go out and tell them to choose which are the 12 most worthy, and I will let just the dozen in."

Less than a minute later St Peter is on the phone to God again. "They"ve gone", he tells God.

"What?" says God, "All 40 of them?"

"No, the bloody gates"

****

A Greek and Italian were talking one day discussing who had the superior culture. Over coffee the Greek says, "Well, we have the Parthenon."

The Italian replies, "We have the Colosseum."

The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to mathematics"

The Italian, nodding, says, "But we built the Roman Empire "

And so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion. With a flourish of finality he says, "We invented sex!"

The Italian replies, "That's true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women."

****

CROYDON HURRICANE APPEAL

A major hurricane (Hurricane Bazza) and earthquake measuring 5.8 on the
Richter scale hit Croydon in the early hours of Friday with its epicentre in
New Addington.

Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, muttering 'Faaackinell'.

The hurricane decimated the area causing approximately £30 worth of damage.

Several priceless collections of mementos from Majorca and the Costa del Sol
were damaged beyond repair.

Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed.

Many locals were woken well before their giros arrived.

Surrey FM reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered
and were still trying to come to terms with the fact that something
interesting had happened in Croydon.

One resident - Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year- old mother of 5 said, 'It was
such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into my bedroom
crying. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Victoria-Storm slept through it
all. I was still shaking when I was skinning up and watching Trisha the next
morning.'

Apparently looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and carried on as
normal.

The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Sunny
Delight to the area to help the stricken locals.

Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large
quantities of personal belongings, including benefit books, jewellery from
Elizabeth Duke at Argos and Bone China from Poundland.

HOW CAN YOU HELP?

This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those
unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster.

Clothing is most sought after - items most needed include:

* Fila or Burberry baseball caps

* Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers)

* Shell suits (female)

* White sport socks

* Rockport boots and any other items usually sold in Primark.

* Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same.

* Required foodstuffs include:

* Microwave meals, Tins of baked beans, Ice cream, Cans of Colt 45 or
Special Brew.

* 22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms.

* £2 buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of 9.

* £5 buys B&H and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.

*Breaking news*Rescue workers found a girl in the rubble smothered in
raspberry alco-pop. 'Where are you bleeding from?' they asked, ' Forestdale
' said the girl, 'woss that gotta do wiv you?'

Please don't forward this to anyone living in Croydon - oh, sod it, they
won't be able to read it anyway

'A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband.. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

" Rome ? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty.. You're crazy to go to Rome . So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. " That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome ?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome'sTiber River called Teste."
"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant.

Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome .

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.

And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me..

Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."

"Oh, really! What'd he say ?"

He said: "Who fcked up your hair?"

****

One night a guy took his girlfriend home. As they were about to wish each other goodnight at the front door, the guy started feeling a little in the mood.

With an air of confidence, he leaned with his hand against the wall and
smiling, he said to her "Honey, would you give me a kiss?"

Horrified, she replied, "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"

"Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?" He asked grinning at
her.

"No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"

"Oh come on! There's nobody around, they're all sleeping!".

"No way. It's just too risky!"

"Oh please, please, I love you so much?!?"

"No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!".

"Oh yes you can. Please?"....................

"No, no. I just can't"

"I'm begging you .. "

Out of the blue, the light on the stairs went on, and the girl's older
sister showed up in her pajamas, hair disheveled, and in a sleepy voice
she said,

"Dad says to go ahead and give him a kiss, or I can do it. Or if need be,
mom says she can come down herself and do it, but for God's sake and
all of ours....

"TELL HIM TO TAKE HIS HAND OFF THE DOOR BELL!!"

****

This is creepy!

Think of a letter between
A and W.

Repeat it
Out loud as
You scroll down.

Keep going . . .
Don't stop .. ..

Think of an
Animal
That begins
With that letter.

Repeat it
Out loud
As you
Scroll down.

Think of

Either a man's/woman's
Name
That
Begins
With the
Last letter
In the
Animals name

Almost
There........

Now
Count out
The letters
In that name
On the fingers
Of the hand
You are not
Using to
Scroll down.

Take the
Hand you
FIRST counted with
And hold it out
In front of you
At face level

Look at your
Palm
Very closely
And
Notice
The
Lines
In
Your
Hand

Do the lines
Take the
Form of the
First letter
In the
Persons name?

Of course not.......

Now TAKE THAT HAND AND smack
Yourself in the head, get a life,
And
Quit playing
Stupid
e-mail games

BOB & THE BLONDE

Bob, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.

The 10 pm news was coming on. The news crew was covering the story of a man on the ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"

Bob said, "You know, I bet he'll jump."

The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."

Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!"

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.

The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob, saying, "Fair's fair. Here's your money."

Bob replied, "I can't take your money. I saw this earlier on the 5 pm news, and so I knew he would jump."

The blonde replied, "I did too, but didn't think he'd do it again."

Bob took the money...

****

How to call the Police if you’re old...

George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed, stealing things.
He phoned the police, who asked “Is someone in your house?” He said “No.” Then they said “All patrols were busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available.” George said, “Okay.”

He hung up the phone and counted to 30.
Then he phoned the police again.
“Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot them.” and hung up.
Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George, “I thought you said that you shot them!”

George said, “I thought you said there was nobody available!”

******

Don't know if this is just a sick coincidence, but....

2007 - Chinese year of the Chicken - Bird Flu Pandemic devastates parts of Asia
2008 - Chinese year of the Horse - Equine Influenza decimates Australian racing
2009 - Chinese year of the Pig - Swine Flu Pandemic kills hundreds of people around the globe

Has any one else noticed this? ...

It gets worse next year...
2010 - Chinese year of the Cock - what could possibly go wrong?

> > CHEWING GUM!
> >
> >
> > An Australian man was having a coffee and
> > croissants with butter and jam in a cafe
> > when an American tourist, chewing gum,
> > sat down next to him.
> >
> >
> > The Australian politely ignored the American,
> > who, nevertheless started up a conversation.
> >
> >
> > The American snapped his gum and said,
> > 'You Australian folk eat the whole bread?'
> >
> >
> > The Australian frowned, annoyed with being
> > bothered during his breakfast, and replied,
> > 'of course.'
> >
> >
> > The American blew a huge bubble. 'We don't.
> > In the States, we only eat what's inside.
> > The crusts we collect in a container,
> > recycle them, transform them into
> > croissants and sell them to Australia .'
> >
> >
> > The American had a smirk on his face.
> > The Australian listened in silence.
> >
> >
> > The American persisted, 'D'ya eat jam with
> > your bread?' Sighing, the Australian
> > replied, 'of course.'
> >
> >
> > Cracking his gum between his teeth, the
> > American said, 'we don't. In the States,
> > we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we
> > put all the peels, seeds and the leftovers
> > in containers, recycle them, transform them
> > into jam and sell it to Australia ..
> >
> > The Australian then asked, 'Do you have sex
> > in the States?' The American smiled and said
> > 'Why of course we do.' The Australian leaned
> > closer to him and asked, 'And what do you do
> > with the condoms once you've used them?'
> >
> > 'We throw them away, of course!'
> >
> > Now it was the Australians turn to smile.
> >
> > 'We don't. In Australia , we put them in a
> > container, recycle them, melt them down
> > into chewing gum and sell them to the
> > United States .
> > Why do you think it's called Wrigley's?'?

****

Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf.

Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.

The husband shouted , 'I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us.'

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door.

A warm voice said, 'Come on in.' When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window.

A man reclining on the couch asked, 'Are you the people that broke my window?'

'Uh...yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that,' the husband replied.

'Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll Give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself.'

'Wow, that's great!' the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, 'I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.'

'No problem,' said the genie. 'You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!'

'And now you, young lady, what do you want?' the genie asked. 'I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world,' she said.
'Consider it done,' the genie said. 'And your homes will always be safe from fire,burglary and natural disasters!'

'And now,' the couple asked in unison, 'what's your wish, genie?'

' Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to sleep with your wife.'

The husband looked at his wife and said, 'honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?'

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, 'You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?'

'You know I love you sweetheart,' said the husband.

'I'd do the same for you!' So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable.
After about three hours of non-stop fun, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, 'How old are you and your husband?'

'Why, we're both 35,' she responded breathlessly.

'Really?! Thirty-five years old and both of you
still believe in genies?'

****

There's a few guys who always get together on Fridays after work for a drink... One Friday, Jeff showed up late, sat down at the bar, and kicked back his entire first beer in one gulp...Then he turned to Bob and said, "Times are getting tough my friend, I mean, just today my wife told me that she's going to cut me back to only two times a week... I can't believe it"...

At which point Bob put his hand on Jeffs shoulder and said reassuringly, "You think you've got it bad, she's cut some guys out all together"

******

A young woman brings home her fiancée to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man. The father invites the fiancée to his study for a drink.

"So what are your plans?" the father asks the young man.

"I am a Torah scholar," he replies.

"A Torah scholar. Hmm." the father says. "Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in as she's accustomed to?"

"I will study," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us."

"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring such as she deserves?" asks the father.

"I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us."

"And children?" asks the father. "How will you support children?"

"Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the fiancée.

The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions, the young idealist insists that God will provide.

Later, the mother asks, "How did it go, honey?"

The father answers, "He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I'm God!!!"