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Posts archive for: 19 July, 2009
  • Buying Winalot at Tesco's

    A real story by a Man who was standing in a queue in Tesco's.........


    I have 2 dogs & I was buying a large bag of Winalot in Tesco and was standing in the queue at the till.

    A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

    On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Winalot Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

    I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and the way that it works is to load your trouser pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

    I have to mention here that practically everyone in the queue was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.

    Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned. I told her no, it was because I'd been sitting in the road licking my balls and a car hit me.

    I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.

    Stupid cow..........why else would I buy dog food??

  • The Zen of Sarcasm

    The Zen of Sarcasm
    01
    Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead.
    Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow.
    Do not walk beside me either.
    Just pretty much leave me the hell alone
    .
    02
    The journey of a thousand miles
    begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tyre
    .
    03
    Its always darkest before dawn.
    So if you're going to steal your neighbour's newspaper,
    that's the time to do it.
    04
    Don't be irreplaceable.
    If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
    05
    Always remember that you're unique.
    Just like everyone else
    .
    06
    Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
    07
    If you think nobody cares if you're alive,
    try missing a couple of car payments
    .
    08
    Before you criticize someone,
    you should walk a mile in their shoes.
    That way, when you criticize them,
    you're a mile away and you have their shoes
    .
    09
    If at first you don't succeed,
    skydiving is probably not for you.
    10
    Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.
    Teach him how to fish,
    and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

    11
    If you lend someone £20 and never see that person again,
    it was probably a wise investment.
    12
    If you tell the truth,
    you don't have to remember anything.
    13
    Some days you're the bug;
    some days you're the windshield
    .
    14
    Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
    15
    The quickest way to double your money
    is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket
    .
    16
    A closed mouth gathers no foot.
    17
    Duct tape is like 'The Force'.
    It has a light side and a dark side,
    and it holds the universe together
    .
    18
    There are two theories to arguing with women.
    Neither one works
    .
    19
    Generally speaking,
    you aren't learning much when your lips are moving
    .
    20
    Experience is something you don't get
    until just after you need it
    .
    21
    Never miss a good chance to shut up.
    22
    Never, under any circumstances,
    take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night
    .
  • E-MAILS Warning!

    Dear Friends

    Just before the end of the year, I wanted to thank you for the e-mails you have forwarded to me over the year.

    I must send a big thank you to whoever sent me the one about rat shit in the glue on envelopes, because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

    Also, I now have to wipe the top of every can I open for the same reason.

    I no longer have any savings because I gave it all to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time. But that will change once I receive the £15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft are sending me for participating in their special email programs. Or from the senior bank clerk in Nigeria who wants me to split seven million pounds with me for pretending to be a long lost relative of a customer who died intestate.

    I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me.

    I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward emails to seven friends and make a wish within five minutes.

    I no longer drink Coca-Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

    I no longer can buy petrol without taking a friend along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.

    I no longer go to shopping centres because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

    I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number and then I'll get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore and Uzbekistan .

    I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my bum.

    I can't even pick up the £10.00 I found dropped in the car park because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

    If you don't send this email to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhoea will sit on your head at 5:00pm this afternoon and fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump.

    I know this because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbour's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician.

    By the way....a South American scientist after a lengthy study has discovered that people with low IQ who don't have enough sex, always read their emails while holding the mouse.
    (Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late).

    Kind regards

    Robert

  • The Colonoscopy


    The Colonoscopy
    [][]
    []
    All the organs of thebody were having a meeting,
    trying to decide who was the one in charge.

    []'I should be in charge,' said the brain,
    'Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would
    happen.'

    []
    'I should be incharge,' said the blood ,
    'because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste
    away.'

    'I should be incharge,' said the stomach ,
    'because I process food and give all of you energy.'

    []'I should be in charge,' said thelegs,
    'because I carry the body wherever it needs to go.'

    []'I should be in charge,' said the eyes,
    'Because I allow the body to see where it goes.'

    []'I should be in charge,' said the rectum,
    'Because I'm responsible for waste removal.'

    All the other body parts laughed at the rectum
    and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.
    Within a few days,
    the
    brain had a terrible headache,

    the
    stomach was bloated,
    the
    legs got wobbly,
    the
    eyes got watery,
    and the
    blood was toxic.
    They all decided thatthe rectum should be the boss.
    The Moral of the story?
    The
    ass hole is usually the one in charge!
    []
    If you don't send this to at least three people....who cares?

  • PInk and Black Willy

    At the National Art Gallery in Dublin , a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused.

    The painting depicted three black men totally naked sitting on a park bench.
    Two of the figures had black willies, but the one in the middle had a pink Willie.

    The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment.

    He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of black men in a predominately white, patriarchal society.

    'In fact,' he pointed out , 'some serious critics believe that the pink Willy also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society.'

    After the curator left, an Irishman, approached the couple and said, 'Would you like to know what the painting is really about?'

    'Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?' asked the couple.

    'Because I'm the guy who painted it,' he replied.

    'In fact, there are no black men depicted at all!

    They're just three Irish coal miners.

    The guy in the middle went home for lunch.'

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