Raw Humour

I am a sailor in the merchant navy. My parents live in South London and one of my sisters, who lives in Brixton is married to a guy from Cardiff.

My mother and father have recently been arrested for growing and selling
marijuana and are currently dependant on my two sisters who are prostitutes.
I have two brothers, one who is currently serving a non-parole life sentence in Wormwood Scrubs for the rape and murder of a teenage boy in 1994, the other is currently being held in Wandsworth on charges of incest on his three children.
I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who is still a part time 'working girl' in a brothel, however her time there is limited as she has recently been infected with an STD.

We intend to marry as soon as possible and are currently looking into the
possibility of opening our own brothel with my fiancé utilising her
knowledge of the industry working as a manager. I am hoping my two sisters would be interested in joining our team. Although I would prefer them not to prostitute themselves, it would at least get them off the streets, and hopefully the heroin.

My problem is this: I love my fiancé and look forward to bringing her into the family, and of course I want to be totally honest with her. Should I tell her about my brother-in-law being Welsh?

A woman in a grocery store happens upon a grandfather

and his poorly behaved 3 year-old grandson.

It's obvious to her that Gramps has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets in the sweet aisle, biscuits in the biscuit aisle; same for fruit, cereal and pop in their respective aisles.

Meanwhile, Gramps is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, "Easy, Edward, we won't be long -- easy, boy."

Another outburst, and she hears Gramps calmly say,

"It's okay, Edward, just a couple more minutes & we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy."

At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart,

and Gramps again in a controlled voice is says "Edward, Edward, relax buddy, don't get upset.

We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, Edward."

Very impressed, the woman goes outside where Gramps is loading his groceries and the boy into the car.
"You know, sir, it's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. Edward is very lucky to have you as his grandpa."

"Thanks, lady," said Gramps, "I'm Edward -- the little b*****d's name is Steve."

A woman arrived at a party and while scanning the guests, spotted an attractive man standing alone.               
 
She approached him, smiled and said, "Hello. My name is Carmen." 

"That's a beautiful name," he replied. "Is it a family name?"

"No," she replied. "As a matter of fact I gave it to myself.  It represents the things that I enjoy the most - cars  and men.  Therefore, I chose "Carmen. What's your name?"
 
He answered "B.J. Titsengolf."

A 54 year old woman had a heart
Attack and was taken to the hospital.
While on the operating table she
Had a near death experience.

Seeing God she asked 'Is my time
Up?'

God said, 'No, you have another
43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live.'

Upon recovery, the woman decided
To stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast
Implants

And a tummy tuck. She even had
Someone come in and change her hair colour and brighten her teeth!

Since she had so much more time
To live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.

After her last operation, she
Was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way
Home,

She was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she
Demanded, 'I thought you said I had another 43 years?

Why didn't you pull me from out
Of the path of the ambulance?'

- God replied: 'I didn't bloody
Recognize you.'

Mejia was trying to get a job in India .

The Personnel Manager said, 'Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except one.
Unless you pass it , you cannot qualify for this job.'

Mujibar said, 'I am ready.'

The manager said,
'Make a sentence using the words
Yellow , Pink and Green .'

Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said,
'Mister manager, I am ready'

The manager said, 'Go ahead.'

Mujibar said,
'The telephone goes green, green ,
and I pink it up, and say,
' Yellow ' , this is Mujibar.'

Mujibar now works at a call center.

No doubt you have spoken to him.
I know I have.

> # >>>> How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
> # >>>> Marry It!
> # >>>>
> # >>>> What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
> # >>>> A battery has a positive side.
> # >>>>
> # >>>> What are the three fastest means of communication?
> # >>>> 1) Television
> # >>>> 2) Telephone
> # >>>> 3) Telawoman
> # >>>>
> # >>>> How are fat girls and mopeds alike?
> # >>>> They're both fun to ride until your friends find out.
> # >>>>
> # >>>> What should you give a woman who has everything?
> # >>>> A man to show her how to work it.
> # >>>>
> # >>>> Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a
> # >>>> waist? Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.
> # >>>>
> # >>>> How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
> # >>>> Put a nipple on it.
> # >>>>
> # >>>> Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?
> # >>>> Because they don't have balls to scratch.
> # >>>>
> # >>>> Why do women fake orgasms ?
> # >>>> Because they think men care.
> # >>>>
> # >>>> What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
> # >>>> Nothing, she's been told twice already.
> # >>>>
> # >>>> If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have
> # >>>> you done wrong? Made her chain too long
> # >>>>
> # >>>> How many men does it take to open a beer?
> # >>>> None. It should be opened when she brings it.
> # >>>>
> # >>>> Why do women have smaller feet than men?
> # >>>> It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand
> # >>>> closer to the kitchen sink.
> # >>>>
> # >>>> How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? When
> # >>>> she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me...'
> # >>>>
> # >>>> How do you fix a woman's watch?
> # >>>> You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
> # >>>>
> # >>>> Why do men pass gas more than women?
> # >>>> Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required
> # >>>> pressure.
> # >>>>
> # >>>> If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at
> # >>>> the front door, who do you let in first? The dog, of course. He'll
> # >>>> shut up once you let him in.
> # >>>>
> # >>>> I married a Miss Right.
> # >>>> I just didn't know her first name was Always.
> # >>>>
> # >>>> Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive
> # >>>> by 90%.. It's called a Wedding Cake.
> # >>>>
> # >>>> Why do men die before their wives?
> # >>>> They want to.
> # >>>>
> # >>>> Send this to a few good men who need a laugh and to the select few
> # >>>> women who can handle the bullshit!

 

Not my sentiments but funny all the same !! lol RAW.

Hi,
Important information to help in the pandemic! (panic - epidemic)

Be prepared for swine flu!

To avoid it...

> Eat right!

> Make sure you get your daily dose of fruit and veggies.

> Take your vitamins and bump up your vitamin C.

> Get plenty of exercise because it builds your immune system.

>Walk for at least an hour a day,

> go for a swim,

> take the stairs instead of the lift, etc.

> Wash your hands often.  If you can't, keep a bottle of antibacterial stuff
> around.

> Get lots of fresh air.  Open doors & windows whenever possible.

> Try to eliminate as much stress from your life as you can.

> Get plenty of rest.

> OR

> Take the doctor's approach. Think about it...
> When you go for a flu jab, what do they do first?
>
> They clean your arm with alcohol...
>
> Why?
>
> Because Alcohol KILLS GERMS.

> So...

> I walk to the pub. (exercise)
>
> I put lime in my vodka...(fruit)
>
> Celery in my Bloody Mary (veggies)
>
> Drink outdoors on the patio..(fresh air)
>
> Tell rude jokes and laugh....(eliminate stress)
>
> Then I pass out. (rest)
>
>
> The way I see it...

> If you keep your alcohol levels up,   flu germs
>
> can't get you!
>
> As my grandmother always said, 'A shot in the glass
> is better than one in the arse!'

Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter a double-Decker bus for a weekend trip to Louisiana.

The Brunette team rode on the bottom of the bus, and the Blonde team rode on the top level.

The Brunette team down below really whooped it up, having a great time, when one of them realized she hadn't heard anything from the Blondes upstairs. She decided to go up and investigate.

When the Brunette reached the top, she found all the Blondes in fear, staring straight ahead at the road, clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles.

The brunette asked, 'What the heck's going on up here? We're having a great time downstairs!' One of the Blondes looked up at her, swallowed hard and whispered...

'YEAH, BUT YOU'VE GOT A DRIVER!!'

  LITTLE RALPHY ON
MATHS   
 A teacher asks her class, 'If there
are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them,
how many will be left?'     

 

She calls on little Ralphy.

 

  
He replies, 'None, they will all
fly away with the first gunshot.'

 

  
The teacher replies, 'The correct
answer is 4, but I like your thinking.'

 

  
Then little RALPHY says, 'I have a
question for YOU.
  
There are 3 women sitting on a bench
having ice cream:
 
One is delicately licking the sides of
the triple scoop of ice cream.
The second is gobbling down the top and
sucking the cone.
 

The third is biting off the top of the
ice cream.
Which one is married?'

  
The teacher, blushing a great deal,
replied, 'Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled
down the top and sucked the cone.'

  
To which Little RALPHY replied,
'The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding
ring on,' but I like your thinking.'

 

***
     

   
LITTLE RALPHY ON
ENGLISH
  

   
Little RALPHY goes to school, and the
teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn
multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of
a multi-syllable word?'
   
RALPHY says
'Mas-tur-bate.'
   
Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow,
little RALPHY, that's a mouthful.'
   
Little RALPHY says, 'No, Miss
Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob.' 
   
 
   
 

A six year old goes to the hospital with her grandmother to
visit her Grandpa.

When they get to the hospital, she runs ahead of her Grandma and
bursts into her Grandpa's room...

"Grandpa, Grandpa," she says excitedly, "As soon as Grandma
comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!"

 "What?" said her Grandpa.

"Make a noise like a frog - because Grandma said that as soon as
you croak, we're all going to Disneyland !!!"

No underwear needed!

One night, a man and his lady friend were about to enter his apartment, when, before he could open the door, she said, “Wait a minute, I can tell how a man makes love by how he unlocks his door.”
 
The man says, “Well, give me some examples.”

 

The lady explains, “Well, if a guy shoves his key in the lock, and opens the door hard, then that means he is a rough lover and that isn't for me.

 

If a man fumbles around and can’t seem to find the hole, then that means he is inexperienced, and that isn’t for me either.”
 
Then she said, “How do you unlock your door?”
 
The man answered,

 

"Well, before I do anything else, I lick the lock…”

A female reporter was conducting an interview with a farmer about Mad Cow Disease.

 

"Mr. Brown, do you have any idea what might be the cause of the disease?"

 

"Sure. Do you know the bulls only screw the cows once a year?"

 

"Umm, sir, that is a new piece of information, but what's the relationship between this and Mad Cow?"

 

"And did you know we milk the cows twice a day?"

 

"Mr. Brown, that's interesting, but, what's the point?"

 

"Lady, the point is this: if I'm playing with your tits twice a day.

 

But only screwing you once a year.

 

Wouldn't you go mad, too?"

A man came down with the flu and was forced to stay home one day.

 

He was glad for the interlude because it taught him how much his wife loved him.

 

She was so thrilled to have him around that when a delivery man or the mailman arrived, she ran out and yelled,

 

"My husband's home! My husband's home!"

During the World War II, a British fighter pilot was shot down over Germany and he was captured by the Nazis.

 

He was hurt pretty bad, so the German doctor amputated his left arm.

 

He requested that they drop his arm over his base in England.

 

So the Germans did.

 

The next week they amputated his other arm and he asked the same thing.

 

The Germans complied.

 

The next week they amputated one of his legs, and he again asked for them to drop it over his base in England.

 

The German doctor replied, “Sorry, we do this no more!”

 

The pilot asked why not, and the German answered,

 

"We think you're trying to escape!”

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, 'Here's to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!'

 

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

 

He went home and told his wife, Mary, 'I won the prize for the Best toast of the night'

 

She said, 'Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?'

 

John said,  'Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.'

 

'Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!' Mary said.

 

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.

 

The man chuckled leeringly and said, 'John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.'

 

She said,  'Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself.

 

You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years.

 

Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come!!!'

One fine morning in Eden, God was looking for Adam and Eve, but couldn't find them.

 

Later in the day God saw Adam and asked where he and Eve were earlier.

 

Adam said, "The morning Eve and I made love for the first time."

 

God said, "Adam, you have sinned. I knew this would happen. Where is Eve now?"

 

Adam replied, "She's down at the river, washing herself out."

 

"Oh! No," says God, "now all the fish will smell funny."

 

Atlanta ATC:
"Tower to Saudi Air 511 -- You are cleared to land
eastbound on runway 9R

SaudiAir:
"Thank you Atlanta ATC. Acknowledge cleared to
land on infidel's runway 9R - Allah be
Praised."

Atlanta ATC:
"Tower to Iran Air 711 --You are cleared to land
westbound on runway 9R."

Iran Air:
"Thank you Atlanta ATC. We are cleared to land on
infidel's runway 9R. - Allah is
Great."

Pause...

Saudi
Air: " ATLANTA ATC -
ATLANTA ATC"

Atlanta ATC:
"Go ahead Saudi Air 511."

Saudi
Air: "YOU HAVE
CLEARED BOTH OUR AIRCRAFTS FOR THE SAME RUNWAY GOING IN
OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS. WE ARE ON A COLLISION COURSE..
INSTRUCTIONS, PLEASE."

Atlanta
ATC: "Well bless your hearts. And praise Jesus.
Y'all be careful now and tell Allah "hey" for
us -- "

These are actual writings from various hospital charts

1. The patient refused an autopsy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~

2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.

~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~

3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.

~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~

4. She has no rigours or shaking chills, but her

husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~

5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side

for over a year.

~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~

6. On the second day, the knee was better, and on the

third day it disappeared.

~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~

7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She

also appears to be depressed.

~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~

8. The patient has been depressed since she began

seeing me in 1993.

~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~

9. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.

~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~

10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male,

mentally alert but forgetful.

~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~ ~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~

11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia

for lunch.

~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~

12. She is numb from her toes down.

~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~

13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated, and sent

home.

~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~

14. The skin was moist and dry.

~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~

15 Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~

16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~

17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid..........(!!!!)

~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~

18. She stated that she had been constipated for most

of her life, until she got a divorce.

~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~

19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our

car for physical therapy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~

20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and

accommodation.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~

21. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is

circus sized.

~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~

22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~

23. Skin: somewhat pale but present.

~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~

24. The pelvis exam will be done later on the floor.

~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~

25. Patient has two teenage children, but no other

abnormalities.

A young lady in the maternity ward just prior to labour is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth."I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies."O.K. do you have a boyfriend?" asks the Midwife.

"No, no boyfriend either."

"Do you have a partner then?" "No, I'm unattached, I'll be having my baby on my own."After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman.

"You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is black"

"Well," replies the girl. "I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a Porno movie. The lead man was black."

"Oh, I'm very sorry," says the midwife, "that's really none of my business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair."

"Well yes," the girl again replies, "you see I desperately needed the money and there was this Swedish guy also involved in the movie, what else could I do?"

"Oh, I'm sorry," the midwife repeats, "that's really none of my business and I hate to pry further but your baby has slanted eyes."

"Well yes," continues the girl, "I was incredibly hard up and there was a little Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice."At this the midwife again apologises collects the baby and presents her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give baby a slap on the bum. The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims,

"Well thank for that !"

"What do you mean?" says the midwife, shocked.

"Well," says the girl extremely relieved, "I had this horrible feeling that the little bastard was going to bark!"

Clean can be funny.      

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie. 
'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything you want.'  
So he tied her up and went golfing. 
                                             

*********

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. 
She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!' 
The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?' 
'Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out.' 

**********

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband. 
                                             

  *******

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. 
First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. 
The optician showed him a card with the letters   
 
'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'  
'Can you read this?' the optician asked. 
'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.' 

   ********

Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, 'I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.'  
'Thank God,' said an elderly nun at the back. 'I'm so tired of chardonay.'  

           

     ********

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. 
Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 
'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in so me more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always fo rget to salt them. Use the! salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!' 
The wife stared at him. 
'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?' 
The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'                
&nb sp;                         

   ************

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. 
On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. 
That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. 
On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. 
That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. 
On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. 
The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years. 

*********