I saw one of my mates the other day. He's only got one arm bless him I shouted' Where are you off to ? '  'To change a light bulb' he said 'Thats going to be awkward isnt it ?'  'Not really'  he said ' I've still got the receipt you dickhead!'

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Wife with PMT:  
'Do you want any dinner ?'
Husband: 'What are my choices ?' Wife: 'Yes or fucking no!'

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Your Halloween costume came in the mail today. I opened it, It was a rooster mask and a bag of lollipops Going as a cocksucker again I see.

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Sex fairy appears in front of a young lady and grants her two wishes She asks for big tits and a tight twat Fairy gave her 38DD tits and your phone number.

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Paddy gets a job as a motorway line painter 1st day he paints 15 miles 2nd day he paints 8 miles 3rd day he only paints 1 mile  'Whats the matter Paddy'  Asks his foreman  ' The first day you were brilliant and now your shit!' Paddy says ' the fucking buckets getting further and further away!'

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WE were so poor in our house That when we were young On Christmas morning if you didnt wake up with an erection You had nothing to play with!

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Walked past a beggar yesterday He said  ' Any change mate ?'  I said 'No.....I still got a big house and a nice car'

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