*****

An RAF Pilot is flying over Afghanistan when he notices a flying carpet on each side of his jet
Both with a gunner on board
Sensing danger he shot them both down
When he returns to base he is summoned to HQ
where he gets a right rollicking
Apparently
they were allied carpets!

****

Ann Summers has come up with an easy guide to complete sexual joy
It explores the clitoris, The G spot,
and even shows the male where they are
' TWATNAV '
will be in their shops by Christmas!

*****

A man who hasnt had an erection for ages decides to try a method
hes's read about in an old book
It involves placing his finger in a womans vagina
then rubbing it around his nose.
So that night when his wifes asleep
he dips his finger in her fanny, feels how wet and nice it is
then rubs it around his nose
Instant erection !!
He wakes his wife and says  ' Look at this! '
She replies
' You woke me up to tell me you've got a nosebleed ? '

*****

A man shagging his new girlfriend
notices a photo of another man next to her bed
He asks...'Is that your hubby ?'
'NO' she replies
'An old boyfriend ?'
'NO silly! ' she says
'Dad or brother ? '
'NO ! NO! ' she answers
'WELL WHO THE FUCK IS IT !!!!' he shouts
She replied
'ME !     6 months ago! '

*****

Comments

Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said,

"Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?"

Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend."

Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible.

She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the pic ture i n focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.

The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door,
and there stood Grandma's minister.

The minister said, "Hello, son, is your Grandma home?"

The little boy replied, "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her
boyfriend."

The minister fainted.

Comments

There is a hush within the congregation.

No one wants him to leave because he is so popular.

Fred Shapiro, who owns several car dealerships in Newton and Brookline, stands up and proclaims "If the rabbi stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!"

The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.

Saul Cohen, a successful businessman and lawyer, stands and says, "If the rabbi will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary and establish a foundation to guarantee a free college education for his children!" More sighs and loud applause.  
Estelle Rubin, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, "If the rabbi stays, I will give him sex!"

There is total  silence. The rabbi, blushing, asks her: "Mrs. Rubin,
you're a wonderful and holy lady. Whatever possessed you to

say that?"

Estelle's 90-year old husband, Abe, is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies:

"Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, "Fuck him."

Comments

Falling madly in love with Summer, he decided to test her.

At a drive-in one night, he leaned over and asked, "Would you like to see my pee-pee?"

As he unzipped his fly, Summer covered her eyes.  "No!  No! Please put it back!"

Thrilled, he deemed Summer worthy of being his bride, and immediately proposed to her.

On their wedding night, he was keenly anticipating the delight of introducing Summer to sex.

When she came to bed, he unzipped his fly and took out his member.

Summer smiled, "Oooooh...what a nice pee-pee."

He stroked her hair.  "My dear, the first thing you must learn is that it really isn't called a pee-pee.  It's called a cock."

"No," Summer said, studying it, "That's a pee-pee.  A cock is long, fat and like Bubba's!!"

Comments

"Well," replied the other, "I was walking to class the other day when this pretty, young co-ed rode up on this bike. She jumped off, took off all of her clothes, and said, "You can have ANYTHING you want!"

"Good choice," said the first. "Her clothes wouldn't have fit you anyway."

Comments

They agreed to be faithful to each other and spend anytime they could together. As time went on, the guy would call the girl but she was never home and when he wrote, she would take weeks to return any letters. Even when he e-mailed her, she took days to return his messages. Finally, she confessed to him that she wanted to date around. It was evident that she had become very loose and trampy but he still saw the good in her and wanted to win her back. But she became annoyed. Since she now had a new boyfriend, she wanted to get him off her back. So what she did was this:

She took a photo of herself in an unmentionable position with her new boyfriend and sent it to her old boyfriend with a note reading, "I found a new boyfriend, leave me alone." Well needless to say, this guy was heartbroken, but even more so, he was very upset. So what he did next was awesome:

He wrote on the back of the photo the following: "Dear Mom and Dad, having a great time at college, please send more money!" and then mailed the picture to her parents.

Comments

When they arrived at the counselor's office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion. "What seems to be the problem?" Immediately, the husband held his long face down without anything to say. In contrast, the wife began talking 90 miles an hour, describing all the wrongs within their marriage.

After 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately and sat her back down. Afterwards, the wife sat speechless.

The marriage counselor looked over at the husband, who stared in disbelief. The counselor said to the husband, "Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!"

The husband scratched his head and replied, "I can have her here on Tuesdays and Thursdays."

Comments

'Oh my GOD!' screamed the woman. 'That's disgraceful! Why is he doing that?'

The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, 'I'm very sorry
that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition
where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that
at least five times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles
could easily rupture.

Oh, well in that case, I guess it's okay, said the woman.

As they passed by the very next room, they saw a male patient
laying in bed while a nurse performed oral sex on him. Again, the woman screamed, 'Oh my GOD! How can THAT be justified?

Again the doctor spoke very calmly:

'Same illness, better insurance.'

Comments

While sipping his tequila, he noticed a scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table.

Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"

The waiter replied, "Ah Senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"

The cowboy said, "What the heck, I'm on vacation! Bring me an order!"

The waiter replied, "I am so very sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning.

If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy!"

The next morning, the cowboy placed his order, and was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si senor, sometimes the bull wins.

Comments

The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road, and got out to see what had become of the Bunny carrying the basket. Much to his dismay, the colorful Bunny was dead. The driver felt guilty and began to cry.

A woman driving down the same highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.

"I feel terrible," he explained, "I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny and killed it. There may not be an Easter because of me. What should I do?"

The woman told the man not to worry. She knew exactly what to do. She went to her car trunk, and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead Bunny, and sprayed the entire contents of the can onto the little furry animal.

Miraculously the Easter Bunny came to back life, jumped up, picked up the spilled eggs and candy, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped on down the road. 50 yards away the Easter Bunny stopped, turned around, waved and hopped on down the road another 50 yards, turned, waved, hopped another 50 yards and waved again!

The man was astonished. He said to the woman, "What in heaven's name is in your spray can? What was it that you sprayed on the Easter Bunny?"

The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said: "Hair spray. Restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave."

Comments

"Don't you have at least one other ball?", he asked.

"Nope, I only need one ball."

"Are you sure? What happens if you lose that one?"

"This is a very special golf ball. You can't lose it, so I don't need another one."

"What do you mean you can't lose it! What happens if you slice your shot and the ball goes in the lake?"

"That's okay, this special golf ball senses when it's under water and it puts out a steam of bubbles. I'll be able to retrieve it. You can't lose this ball"

"Well what happens if you hit it into the long rough?"

"No problem, you see, this ball can detect the long grass and it sends up puffs of fluorescent smoke. I'll be able to see it easily. You can't lose this ball"

Exasperated, the friend asks, "Okay. Let's say our game goes late, the sun goes down, and you hit your ball deep into the trees and it gets lost among the bushes and shrubs?. What are you going to do then?"

"That's okay too. You see, this special ball can sense the darkness and it makes a beeping sound. I'll be able to get it back - no problem."

Finally satisfied that he needs only the one amazing golf ball, the friend asks, "Hey, where did you get a golf ball like that anyway?"

"I found it."

Comments

*****

Wife with PMT:  
'Do you want any dinner ?'
Husband: 'What are my choices ?' Wife: 'Yes or fucking no!'

*****

Your Halloween costume came in the mail today. I opened it, It was a rooster mask and a bag of lollipops Going as a cocksucker again I see.

*****

Sex fairy appears in front of a young lady and grants her two wishes She asks for big tits and a tight twat Fairy gave her 38DD tits and your phone number.

*****

Paddy gets a job as a motorway line painter 1st day he paints 15 miles 2nd day he paints 8 miles 3rd day he only paints 1 mile  'Whats the matter Paddy'  Asks his foreman  ' The first day you were brilliant and now your shit!' Paddy says ' the fucking buckets getting further and further away!'

*****

WE were so poor in our house That when we were young On Christmas morning if you didnt wake up with an erection You had nothing to play with!

*****

Walked past a beggar yesterday He said  ' Any change mate ?'  I said 'No.....I still got a big house and a nice car'

*****

Comments

She was from Quality Street ; he was a Fisherman's Friend.

On the way they stopped at a Yorkie Bar, he had a Rum and Butter and she had a Wine Gum.

He asked her name, 'Polo, I'm the one with the hole' she said.

'I'm the one with the nuts,' he thought!

Then he touched her Milky Way.

They checked in to a hotel, and went straight to the bedroom. Mr Cadbury turned out the light for a bit of Black Magic.

It wasn't long before he slipped his hand into her Snickers and felt her Cream Egg. He fondled her Flap Jacks then he showed her his Curly Wurly and TicTacs...

Miss Rowntree wasn't keen to have any Jelly Babies, so she let him take a trip down Bourneville Boulevard via her Party Ring. He was pleased as he always fancied a bit of Fudge. It was a magic moment as she let out a scream of Turkish Delight.

When he pulled out, his fun size Mars Bar felt a bit Crunchie. She wanted more, but he needed Time Out, however, he noticed her Pink Wafers looked very appetising. He did a Twirl, had a Picnic in her Sherbet Dip and finished off by giving her a Gob Stopper!

Unfortunately, 3 days later his Magnum lolly started to drip. It turned out Miss Rowntree had been with Bertie Basset who had Allsorts.

Comments

A Zebra dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates.. As he enters, he asks St. Peter, 'I have a question that's haunted me all of my days on earth. Am I white with black stripes, or am I black with white stripes?'
St. Peter said, 'That's a question only God can answer.'
So the zebra went off in search of God.
When he found Him, the zebra asked, 'God, please - I must know. Am I white with black stripes, or am I black with white stripes?'
God simply replied 'You are what you are.'
The zebra returned to see St.. Peter once more, who asked him, 'Well, did God straighten out your query for you?'
The zebra looked puzzled. 'No sir, God simply said 'You are what you are.''
St. Peter smiled and said to the zebra, 'Well then, there you are. You are white with black stripes.'
The zebra asked St. Peter, 'How do you know that for certain?'

'Because,' said St. Peter, 'If you were black with white stripes,  God would have said, 'You is what you is.'

WARNING: If you laugh at this, Al Sharpton, Jesse Jackson, Rev Wright and Obama will be comin after yo white ass!!!

Comments

"Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache."
 
The wife, laying in the bed reading a book, looks up and says,

"If you weren't such an idiot, you'd know that's a sheep, not a cow."

The guy replies,

"If you weren't such a bitch, you'd realize I was talking to the sheep."

Comments

Comments

Gas mark 6 for 2 hours !

***

A dustman knocks on a japanese mans door
The jap says
'Harro, wot u want '
Dustman asks
'Wheres your bin?'
'I bin on Loo' says the Jap
'No mate, wheres your dustbin?'
'I dust bin on loo!!!' says the jap
'No No mate..Wheres your wheelie bin ?'

'Hokay..I wheelie bin havin a wank'

***

What do you get if you cross a Cock and a leech ?

A cocksucker!

***

Walked past a beggar yesterday.
he said' any change mate ? '
I said  ' No...I still got a big house and a nice car'

**

Two nuns are sitting in traffic waiting for the lights to change
When suddenly a vampire appears in front of them
'Oh sister...what shall we do?' says the younger Nun
'Do Not worry child.....show him your cross'
The younger Nun winds the window down and yells
'......Fuck off!..You little cunt!' 

****

Woman goes to the doc and says
'I have a bad discharge'
Doc says 'OK Take your knickers off''
Then puts his finger in her fanny
'How does that feel?' he asks
'very nice' says the woman
'But the discharge is in my ear'

******

Someone sent me a text message the other day
All it said was A.G.N.B........
I thought irt was bang out of order!

***

7 Englishmen and 1 Irish man  in a rape line up
The victim walks in
Paddy steps forward and shouts
'Thats her! The ungrateful fat bitch!'

***
Old Chinese proverb says
Man who walks through door sideways with erection
Is always going to bangkok.

******

Comments

 A Guy picks up the girl for a date, 'Why are you wearing your belt around your knee?'

Girl: I promised my mom that I wouldn't let you touch me below my belt.

Q Why do lady journalists have big breast?

A Because they always say "PRESS" 

Q: Why men walk more and women talk more?

A: Coz men have three legs and women have four lips!

Wives are Incoming Calls

Lovers are Outgoing Calls

Aunties are Toll free Calls

Call girls are Roaming Calls

Neighbor Girls are Missed Calls

A man stands nude in front of a mirror and examines himself and says: 2 inches more & I'll be a king.

His wife sitting behind says: 2 inches less & you'll be a queen.

Comments

And today I got a call from the contractor who installed them.

He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.

Helloooo.......... Just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid.

So I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year.

That in one year these windows would pay for themselves !

Helloooo..........? It's been a year, I told him!

There was only silence at the other end of the line so I finally just hung up.

He never called back.

I'm sure he felt like an idiot.

Comments

The doctor gave Tom a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'

The next day Tom returned to the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked my 85-year-old neighbor what happened and Tom explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this.  First I tried with my right hand, then I tried with my left hand, then I asked my wife for help.  She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing.  She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.

We even called up Marie, our next door neighbor and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit and she even tried squeezing it between her knees, but still nothing.

The doctor was shocked!  'You asked your neighbor to help with that?'

The old man replied, 'Yep, but none of us could get the jar open.

Comments

When he walked up to her window and opened his ticket book she said, “I bet you’re going to sell me tickets to the Highway Patrol Ball.”

He replied, “No, highway patrolmen don’t have Balls.”

There followed a moment of silence while she smiled and he realized what he had said.

He then closed his book, got back on his motorcycle and left.

Comments

Patient replied: "Hello, I stay here because I'm crazy not STUPID!"

Comments

''She's out of control!'' the first doctor says.

''She does everything backwards. Just last week I told her to give a man two milligrams of morphine every ten hours, she gave him 10 milligrams every two hours, he almost died!''

''That's nothing,'' said the second doctor, "earlier this week I told her to give a man an enema every 24 hours, she tried to give him 24 enemas in one hour!''

All of a sudden they heard a blood curdling scream from down the hallway.

''OH MY GOD! I just realized that I told nurse Nancy to prick Mr. Smiths boil!'

Comments

"$10 for 3 minutes," replied the pilot.

"That's too much," said the farmer.

The pilot thought for a second and then said, "I'll make you a deal. If you and your wife ride for 3 minutes without uttering a sound, the ride will be free. But if you make a sound, you'll have to pay $10."

The farmer and his wife agreed and went for a wild ride. After they landed, the pilot said to the farmer, "I want to congratulate you for not making a sound. You are a brave man."

"Maybe so," said the farmer, "But I gotta tell ya, I almost screamed when my wife fell out."

Comments

"Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper.

Comments

"Well, I can think of one thing,” the man offers.

"Once, on a trip to the Black Hills, out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of high-testosterone bikers who were threatening a young woman."

"I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn’t listen."

"So I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker."

"I smacked him on the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring and threw it on the ground, and told him,

'Leave her alone now or you’ll answer to me.'”

St. Peter was impressed.

"When did this happen?”

"Just a few minutes ago.”

Comments

He watched as the father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horses' legs, rump and chest.

After a few minutes, Little Johnny asked, "Pop, why are you doing that?"

His father replied, "Because I'm thinking of buying these horses."

Little Johnny looked worried and said, "Then I think we'd better hurry home right away!"

"Why?" his father asked.

"Because the UPS man stopped by yesterday, and I think he wants to buy Mom!"

Comments

"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold," the meteorologist at the weather service responded. So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.

A week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?"

"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter." The Chief again ordered his people to collect every scrap of firewood they could find. Two weeks later the Chief called the National Weather Service again.

"Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"

"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever."

"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.

The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy."

Comments

Soon, the women were gone, and there were two lines of men. The line of men who were dominated by their wives was 100 miles long, and in the line of men who truly were heads of their household, there was only one man.

God said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves, I created you to be the head of your household! You have been disobedient and have not fulfilled your purpose! Of all of you, only one obeyed. Learn from him."

God turned to the one man, "How did you manage to be the only
one in this line?"

The man replied, "My wife told me to stand here."

Comments